The right-wing response to the children survivors of the Parkland shooting has run the gamut: from sneering condescension to unbridled vitriol. Yeah! How dare a bunch of shooting survivors who can't vote yet have an opinion different from mine?! Following a weekend of considerable douchiness, Rick Santorum's comments might take the douche-cake.

In his capacity as CNN contributor and man-sized ass-lesion, Santorum wonders why the Parkland kids can't do something useful like "learn CPR" instead of asking "someone else to solve their problem". I know it sounds like I'm quote-mining to make Santorum seem douchier but I'm not. Watch the video yourself.

Santorum, who had a lifetime A+ rating from the NRA as a senator, was quickly schooled by doctors, some of whom tried to save the lives of the Parkland victims, that CPR is not actually that effective when dealing with a massive, sucking head wound from a high-caliber rifle. Who knew, right?

But maybe Senator Sweater Vest is onto something here. Maybe we can solve ALL our problems by insisting that the victims of those problems just suck it up and do something (even if that thing is incredibly uninformed). I call these "Santorum Solutions". Only the two "s"s are backward to convey how silly and laughable they are.

  • The Issue: UNEMPLOYMENT

The Santorum Solution: "These young people needed to stop hanging around waiting for someone to GIVE them a job. They should go out there and TAKE a job! And you know who's the best at taking jobs? Mexicans. If these crybabies really want a job they should migrate to Mexico then illegally migrate BACK into America and take a job from an American worker. That's what we did when I was their age!"

  • The Issue: HEALTH CARE

The Santorum Solution: "Instead of asking adults to provide them with affordable health-care what they ingrates should be doing is learning the skills necessary to heal themselves. Instead of constantly playing the "Donkey Kong" down at the arcade, our youth should start reading as many articles and user-submitted comments as possible on WebMD. If a high school kid can administer CPR to a classmate who's just been shot with a AR-15 then I think it's not asking too much for them to perform an appendectomy on themselves when the need arises."

  • The Issue: BULLYING

The Santorum Solution: "Kids need to quit expecting adults to solve their bullying problems. Maybe if kids just learned to do something proactive like learning Krav Maga or K'un-Lun. It would be really nice if one of these whiners invented some kind of device that fired some kind of projectile at a high rate of speed. An invention like that could really even the playing field and solve this bullying problem."