Why Are Texans Googling ‘Bicycle Sharing Locations’ for Thanksgiving? Here Are My Guesses.
— GoogleTrends (@GoogleTrends) November 14, 2017
First off, I need to tell you I am not a Texas native. Maybe that will go some way toward the fact that I cannot understand this odd phenomenon that the folks at Google have noted. Maybe you have strange traditions I just … don’t know about?
Specifically, the search giant looked at the most uniquely popular searches people made during Thanksgiving in 2016. Now, if I made you guess on those, you’d probably say people searched about food or Black Friday shopping or travel. All of those searches make sense, right?
But according to this chart, when Texans search Google during Thanksgiving, what they really want to know about is: BICYCLE SHARING LOCATIONS.
I mean, what the hell, Texas? Is there some odd sort of urban-biking craze that happens during Thanksgiving weekend that I didn’t know about? Because it’s not about bicycles — it’s about public bicycle SHARING locations. That’s bizarrely specific.
So, I’ve been thinking about what this all means, and these are my theories. Let me know how close I get.
Texas Cranberry Sauce Must Be Like Crack Cocaine
This one’s the most obvious to me. There must be something at the Thanksgiving dinner giving you such an incredible charge that you need to go outside and exercise immediately. We know it’s not turkey — that bird has tryptophan, which makes you sleepy. For my money, it has to be the most sugary part of the traditional Thanksgiving meal: cranberry sauce. I know you Texans like your spices, too, so I believe the best explanation is that the sugar rush, paired with some sort of sweet heat, just makes you want to cycle all around town like a cracked-out hamster on a public wheel.
Traffic Must Be Hell on Black Friday
To me, Black Friday doesn’t exist. I refuse to participate in any of that rigamarole. I’m very lucky to work for a company where I get Black Friday off, and I’m sure as hell not spending it at the mall. So, my next big theory is that traffic near shopping centers must be so bad on Black Friday that people would rather bike from store to store instead of driving. I haven’t worked out where you store everything you buy — I’m guessing that you guys must do another rail of that Texas cranberry sauce and pedal all the way back home to drop off your gifts before hitting the next store.
You’re Just Flat-Out Stealing the Bikes
Do you really want to be elbow-to-elbow with all those other filthy people at the Black Friday sale just to get your hands on a damn Huffy for your kids? When they have perfectly workable bikes just sitting outside of public locations? Shop smarter, not harder.
Deep in the Heart of Texas
Again, I’m not from here so I don’t know all the words, but the following verse sounds right to me:
The stars at night / made me ride my bike
Deep in the heart of Texas!
Some Guy Fell Asleep on His iPhone and Butt-Googled It 10,000 Times
If you can butt-dial someone, it stands to reason you can butt-Google someone. Some dude — let’s call him Fred the Butt-Googler — twitches his butt when he sleeps, and he refreshed the page an insane number of times.
Lance Armstrong is Having a Tougher Time Than We Thought
Once upon a time, Plano native Lance Armstrong was one of Texas’ favorite sons. But things have gone downhill since drug enhancement problems stripped him of his Tour de France titles. Now, he roams from town to town, looking for public bikes to ride. Very sad.