Remember last year when Michael Phelps raced a Great White Shark? No? That's probably because he didn't (race) and there wasn't (a shark). Ever since, I've been very jaded when it comes to Shark Week on Discovery. So, here are tonight's listing. None of these shows are as awesome as the titles imply.

(ALL TIMES EASTERN)

  • 7 PM: Cash Cab Shark Week Edition

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

Cash Cab host Ben Bailey picks people up only instead of a cab in New York he's driving a paddle-boat near Australia's Great Barrier Reef. Contestants have to answer increasingly difficult questions about sharks. If they get a wrong answer, just like on regular Cash Cab, they get kicked out. As an added challenge, the show is done during Dugong Week where Australia's aboriginal people are allowed to hunt dugongs in the "traditional manner". Which involves spears and A LOT of blood. In shark-infested waters!

The Boring Reality: 

It's just regular Cash Cab. The contestants are only in mortal danger in the sense that they get kicked out of a cab in the middle of New York with no idea where they are.

8 PM: Megalodon: Fact vs. Fiction

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

I read "Megalodon" as "Megalo(maniac) Don(ald Trump)" and thought to myself, "Finally! Shark Week superfan Donald Trump gets his moment in the chum". Sadly, no.

The Boring Reality:

It's a documentary about a shark that's been extinct for millions of years but Discovery insists that maybe...just maybe...they might be out there. Hiding. Waiting. And being, like, totally real.

  • 10 PM: Great White Shark Babies

The Awesome Thing it SOUNDS like it's going to be:

I dunno. Maybe some idiots thinking it's a good idea to go snooping around for baby sharks while the shark mom might be lurking around? I'm thinking it's going to look something like THIS.

The Boring Reality:

But you know it's actually going to be more like THIS: